I love being a woman. I love looking good, smelling good, and being a lady. I think women are fierce. I think we are forces to be reckoned with. I think we are stronger than men not only because of our ability to take the physical pain of child birth but also because we bear the load of being used, overlooked, mistreated, abused, etc., and still are able to walk with our heads held high. We are marginalized and subjugated to roles and rules that are man-made and not God ordained and yet, we rise. We really have it going on. There are a few things that challenge me the most in being a woman though, and they are, my hormones. I HATE my hormones.
My hormones are not reliable and they are very crazy. I can go from 0 to 10 in .0008 seconds flat! PMS is real for me and I hate it. I am dealing with this hormonal thing right now very heavily and going to my appointment yesterday did not help. I met my medical oncologist for the first time yesterday. She is a really nice lady. We had a consult where she shared with me that she is looking to treat my cancer with chemotherapy, hormonal therapy, or a combination of the two. She wants to have more testing done on the breast tissue before she decides but because of my age and my positive genetic mutation she wants to minimize the chances of the cancer showing up distally as much as possible. I did not know that my cancer could show up distally even though the cancerous tissue had been removed. I knew the cancer could SPREAD to other places but I didn't know that even with the infected breast tissue being removed that it could still show up somewhere else. This piece of news rocked my world. I have to admit, I shed a few tears. But before I cried, what did I say to the doctor Liz, "I am on my period so I am just a little emotional right now." Did I say that because I was supposed to handle the news differently? Did I say that because as a Christian I am supposed to look at these challenges and scream in the doctor's face, "Devil you are a liar" but didn't? Did I put out that disclaimer to let the doctor know that under normal circumstances this piece of information would not have phased me? Did I rather blame my behavior on a force that I could not control (PMS) instead of admitting that the news was a little more than I could bear?
The subject of hormones is a really difficult one for me primarily because I am a woman of faith. Being a woman of faith in some people's minds mean that I do not have down days and/or I am not impacted by life's issues. But that is not the case for me. I have some good days, bad days, and weary days. I have days I want to shout and dance for joy and days I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I have days I want to laugh and days I want to fight. I have days I want to sit in solace, and days when I want to have company. My emotions cover the spectrum of the human condition. But does that mean I am ungodly and do not have faith in God because of my emotions?
Hormones are real, they are not imagined. Estrogen and progesterone are real. They have a function. Unfortunately at times though, they are out-of-balance and out-of-whack. You may produce more estrogen than normal and vice versa. So what do you do when that happens? How do you put your hormones under subjection? Do you put your period under subjection too? Do we curse the natural functions of our bodies when they cause us discomfort? I would really like to know how you handle it. Outside of prayer, chamomile tea, and time and distance from people, I don't know any other way to handle my hormones. This is especially disconcerting for me because the doctor is talking about having my estrogen producing ovaries removed in order to minimize the production of the hormone in which my type of cancer feeds. With removing or suppressing my hormone production I run the risk of having my emotions REALLY be out of whack! MAN! So ladies I ask you, how do you deal with your emotions and what has been your experience with God in this? I would really like to know so will all the hormonal women, please stand up?
T-
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Behavioral Detox
So this healing process has been a difficult one for me. It is not difficult because of the pain alone but it is the waiting, the restriction of certain activities, the constant ups and downs of pain and discomfort, the uncertain and unpredictable days, and my inability to control any of it. The only thing I have control over is my response to the everyday challenges. I cannot change the challenges but I can change how I respond to them.
I still have one JP drain left in my body. I went from four down to one but having the drain has been a drag for me. The actual location where it is inserted in my body, aches. It is inserted in a small incision on my side. The incision wants to heal but the constant movement and tugging of the drain prevents it from doing so. There are times when the incision has partially healed but then the drain reopens the wound. That is painful. Who knew a small incision would be so painful? As a result of the drain, I try not to do too much activitiy. I went to the dentist last week and got the cord of my drain caught on the dentist's chair. That was scary and a little uncomfortable so I said, "ok, stop trying to do it all and just be." But that is so hard for me. I was sharing with a friend earlier this week that on a pole where "being" is on one side and "doing" is on the other, I tend to hang out on the "doing" side. I HAVE to be doing something. It is hard for me to just be. Just being is like a death sentence for me as I have a type-A personality. Just "being" for me means that I am not physically or consciously involved in an activity. Just "being" makes me feel like I am unproductive. Just "being" is not what I would chose for myself but interestingly enough I feel a call to change my behavior. I feel like I am going through a behavioral detoxification.
Detox is simply riding oneself of poison or the effect of poison. I think parts of my behavior is very poisonous (impatient, anxious, the need to be in control, etc.) I really feel that God is using this time for me to rid myself of cancerous and posoinous behaviors. My behavior needs to be detoxified.
In the same conversation I had with that friend I shared with her the fruit of my learning from my last class in my Doctor of Ministry (D.Min) program (Graduation is 5/14/2011. I am too excited.) Our professor was talking about polarities and how we often move from one end of the pole to the other, i.e., from doing to being, from task-oriented to people oriented, etc. Without going too deep and getting too heavy what was important to understand was that instead of always running from one end of the pole to the other, it is important to be more meditative and reflective. It is more important to ask God where we should be instead of trying to figure it out ourselves. I found myself locked into the "doing" mode when there were times God was calling me to "be." I hear God calling me to be. I am literally at a point where I HAVE to be. I have to be still, be setteled, be aware, be silent, be calm, be thankful, be healed! So in this season of healing I am going to practice "being." Yes I said practice because my nature is to "do" and now I have practice not responding like I used to respond. My behavior is being detoxified. It doesn't feel good but it is necessary. If I am to survive, I have to adjust. If I don't adjust then my trial will get the best of me. So now that I have had an opportunity to be productive and write this blog, I am going to be for my children the mommy they need me to be. I am going to hang with them and just be.
Until next time,
Tasha
I still have one JP drain left in my body. I went from four down to one but having the drain has been a drag for me. The actual location where it is inserted in my body, aches. It is inserted in a small incision on my side. The incision wants to heal but the constant movement and tugging of the drain prevents it from doing so. There are times when the incision has partially healed but then the drain reopens the wound. That is painful. Who knew a small incision would be so painful? As a result of the drain, I try not to do too much activitiy. I went to the dentist last week and got the cord of my drain caught on the dentist's chair. That was scary and a little uncomfortable so I said, "ok, stop trying to do it all and just be." But that is so hard for me. I was sharing with a friend earlier this week that on a pole where "being" is on one side and "doing" is on the other, I tend to hang out on the "doing" side. I HAVE to be doing something. It is hard for me to just be. Just being is like a death sentence for me as I have a type-A personality. Just "being" for me means that I am not physically or consciously involved in an activity. Just "being" makes me feel like I am unproductive. Just "being" is not what I would chose for myself but interestingly enough I feel a call to change my behavior. I feel like I am going through a behavioral detoxification.
Detox is simply riding oneself of poison or the effect of poison. I think parts of my behavior is very poisonous (impatient, anxious, the need to be in control, etc.) I really feel that God is using this time for me to rid myself of cancerous and posoinous behaviors. My behavior needs to be detoxified.
In the same conversation I had with that friend I shared with her the fruit of my learning from my last class in my Doctor of Ministry (D.Min) program (Graduation is 5/14/2011. I am too excited.) Our professor was talking about polarities and how we often move from one end of the pole to the other, i.e., from doing to being, from task-oriented to people oriented, etc. Without going too deep and getting too heavy what was important to understand was that instead of always running from one end of the pole to the other, it is important to be more meditative and reflective. It is more important to ask God where we should be instead of trying to figure it out ourselves. I found myself locked into the "doing" mode when there were times God was calling me to "be." I hear God calling me to be. I am literally at a point where I HAVE to be. I have to be still, be setteled, be aware, be silent, be calm, be thankful, be healed! So in this season of healing I am going to practice "being." Yes I said practice because my nature is to "do" and now I have practice not responding like I used to respond. My behavior is being detoxified. It doesn't feel good but it is necessary. If I am to survive, I have to adjust. If I don't adjust then my trial will get the best of me. So now that I have had an opportunity to be productive and write this blog, I am going to be for my children the mommy they need me to be. I am going to hang with them and just be.
Until next time,
Tasha
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Pain Management Deux
When I wrote my first pain management blog I felt like it didn't fully convey the message God was giving me about pain management. Some information was missing so I dug a little deeper and came up with the following.
When I was discharged from the hospital I was given a lot of educational material. The material included information on what I needed to do if I developed an infection in the surgical site, how to practice deep breathing to avoid pneumonia, information on the type of cancer I had, and a listing of medications I was to take with instructions on how to take it. Included with the medication information was a little blurb on pain management. Last night I re-read the pain management section and found their list to be very helpful.
1. Use the medication as directed. If the pain worsens, you need to call the doctor.
2. Remember that the medication needs time to work. Most pain relievers taken by mouth need at least 20 - 30 minutes to take effect. Don't wait until the pain gets bad to take it.
3. Time the medication. Try to time your medication so that you take it before beginning an activity such as dressing or sitting at the table for dinner. Taking your medication at night may help you get a good night's rest.
4. Eat lots of fruit and vegetables as constipation is a common side effect with some pain medicines.
5. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking pain medication as it can cause dizziness, slow your respiratory system and even be fatal.
Ok so my spiritual mind kicked right in and began to examine those five steps. What I noticed in the natural that is also true in the spiritual is that most of us have been prescribed medication but don't take it. Many of us have grown up in the church. We heard of prayer. We heard of fasting. We heard of the beatitudes. We know about forgiveness, confession, and repentance but for some reason, we let our medicine sit on the shelf and not use it. The first things doctors tell you in order to manage the pain you have to USE AS DIRECTED.
Secondly in order to take medicine you have to be disciplined. You have to take it everyday at the appointed time. Doctors tell you to take your medicine the same time everyday. They know that if you miss a dose you open yourself to the possibility of being in more pain. They caution you that medicine needs time to work and so while it is working, use it consistenly. But what do we do? The moment we begin to feel better we stop taking our medicine. We don't need to pray everyday because we feel a little better. We don't need to search the scriptures anymore because that storm has passed; at least that's what we tell ourselves. You have to remember that your medicine needs time to work so if you are already using it, be consistent and continue to do so. The moment you stop is the moment you become more susceptible to additional hurt and pain. Pray without ceasing even when you don't feel like you are in a storm. Fast regularly. Do what you are supposed to do even when it seems like all is well. BE DISCIPLINED AND CONSISTENT.
Thirdly the doctor's encourage you to take your pain medicine before big activities. I know for me personally strecthing is difficult. It is hard for me to turn around or reach behind me. Bathing is difficult. Getting in and out of the bed is difficult. I basically cannot do too much activity that will require me to use my arms or chest muscles. When I have to put a shirt over my head (which I try not to do often) I make sure I have taken my pain medication. The doctors want me to be mindful that some activities will require more of me than others and to take my pain medication before engaging in those activities. Do you fast and pray before a big decision needs to be made? Do you pray before you enter hostile territories? When you know you are about to engage in an unpleasant or stressful activity, do you time your medicine? TIME YOUR MEDICINE SO YOU WILL BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING.
Fourthly, you have to eat a lot of fruit and vegetables. The only thought that came to mind is the need to change our diet. Eating unhealthy foods will not aid us in the healing process. We have to eat our fruit and vegetables. Being meditative and reflective is meant to slow you down (if you catch my drift) so while you are slowing down, EAT FRUIT AND VEGETABLES TO KEEP YOU CLEAN AND MOVING.
Lastly, do not mix alcohol and your pain medicine. There is an old saying, "If you are going to worry, don't pray. If you are going to pray, don't worry." Trying to kill the pain and cope with other substances is counterproductive. It could kill you. LEAVE UNHEALTHY SUBSTANCES ALONE WHILE YOU ARE UNDER GOD'S WATCH AND CARE.
God is still speaking to me about pain management so look out for part three. In the meantime, please be honest with God about your pain and let God speak to you about healing and managing it.
Until next time,
Tasha
When I was discharged from the hospital I was given a lot of educational material. The material included information on what I needed to do if I developed an infection in the surgical site, how to practice deep breathing to avoid pneumonia, information on the type of cancer I had, and a listing of medications I was to take with instructions on how to take it. Included with the medication information was a little blurb on pain management. Last night I re-read the pain management section and found their list to be very helpful.
1. Use the medication as directed. If the pain worsens, you need to call the doctor.
2. Remember that the medication needs time to work. Most pain relievers taken by mouth need at least 20 - 30 minutes to take effect. Don't wait until the pain gets bad to take it.
3. Time the medication. Try to time your medication so that you take it before beginning an activity such as dressing or sitting at the table for dinner. Taking your medication at night may help you get a good night's rest.
4. Eat lots of fruit and vegetables as constipation is a common side effect with some pain medicines.
5. Avoid drinking alcohol while taking pain medication as it can cause dizziness, slow your respiratory system and even be fatal.
Ok so my spiritual mind kicked right in and began to examine those five steps. What I noticed in the natural that is also true in the spiritual is that most of us have been prescribed medication but don't take it. Many of us have grown up in the church. We heard of prayer. We heard of fasting. We heard of the beatitudes. We know about forgiveness, confession, and repentance but for some reason, we let our medicine sit on the shelf and not use it. The first things doctors tell you in order to manage the pain you have to USE AS DIRECTED.
Secondly in order to take medicine you have to be disciplined. You have to take it everyday at the appointed time. Doctors tell you to take your medicine the same time everyday. They know that if you miss a dose you open yourself to the possibility of being in more pain. They caution you that medicine needs time to work and so while it is working, use it consistenly. But what do we do? The moment we begin to feel better we stop taking our medicine. We don't need to pray everyday because we feel a little better. We don't need to search the scriptures anymore because that storm has passed; at least that's what we tell ourselves. You have to remember that your medicine needs time to work so if you are already using it, be consistent and continue to do so. The moment you stop is the moment you become more susceptible to additional hurt and pain. Pray without ceasing even when you don't feel like you are in a storm. Fast regularly. Do what you are supposed to do even when it seems like all is well. BE DISCIPLINED AND CONSISTENT.
Thirdly the doctor's encourage you to take your pain medicine before big activities. I know for me personally strecthing is difficult. It is hard for me to turn around or reach behind me. Bathing is difficult. Getting in and out of the bed is difficult. I basically cannot do too much activity that will require me to use my arms or chest muscles. When I have to put a shirt over my head (which I try not to do often) I make sure I have taken my pain medication. The doctors want me to be mindful that some activities will require more of me than others and to take my pain medication before engaging in those activities. Do you fast and pray before a big decision needs to be made? Do you pray before you enter hostile territories? When you know you are about to engage in an unpleasant or stressful activity, do you time your medicine? TIME YOUR MEDICINE SO YOU WILL BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING.
Fourthly, you have to eat a lot of fruit and vegetables. The only thought that came to mind is the need to change our diet. Eating unhealthy foods will not aid us in the healing process. We have to eat our fruit and vegetables. Being meditative and reflective is meant to slow you down (if you catch my drift) so while you are slowing down, EAT FRUIT AND VEGETABLES TO KEEP YOU CLEAN AND MOVING.
Lastly, do not mix alcohol and your pain medicine. There is an old saying, "If you are going to worry, don't pray. If you are going to pray, don't worry." Trying to kill the pain and cope with other substances is counterproductive. It could kill you. LEAVE UNHEALTHY SUBSTANCES ALONE WHILE YOU ARE UNDER GOD'S WATCH AND CARE.
God is still speaking to me about pain management so look out for part three. In the meantime, please be honest with God about your pain and let God speak to you about healing and managing it.
Until next time,
Tasha
Friday, November 5, 2010
Pain Management
Since my surgery I have been in a lot of pain. The pain has been both physical and emotional. My physical pain has been managed fairly well with pain killers. My emotional pain has been managed with prayer and support from others. This week though my physical pain was catapulted to a new number with the stretching that was going on. On the scale of 1 - 10, my pain was a good 7.
I like the fact that doctors ask you to rate your pain. Not all pain is treated equally. They need to know your pain threshold so they can prescribe (if necessary) pain medicine or encourage you to up the amount of medicine you are taking over-the-counter.
This week I was trying to manage my pain with the wrong stuff. I was going back and forth between acetaminophen and ibuprofen. I came up with my own regimen and it just wasn't working. The strength wasn't strong enough and could not knock out my pain. My ordeal brought me to a spiritual place and I began to reflect on Jesus' encounter with his disciples:
Sometimes we use the wrong stuff in order to deal with the pain in our lives. Some of us turn to alcohol, sex, drugs, gambling, abuse, crime, shopping, internet surfing, you name it. We look for a panacea to numb the pain but we are using the wrong medication. Some of us have the right medication but not using the proper strength. Jesus told his disciples that the spirit they were trying to cast out could only come out by prayer and fasting. They needed to increase their spiritual dosage. God never told us that we wouldn't experience pain. He experienced pain and we will too. What we need to be mindful of is our response to the pain. Today I feel God telling me to know what level of pain I am experiencing and use the proper spiritual medication to deal with it. Whether it be reading scriptures, praying, meditating, or fasting, I need to know what the pain is and deal with it. Some of us are so averse to the thought of being in pain that we deny that it even exists. Doing so only contributes to erratic and unfruitful behavior. Acknowledge your pain. Tell God how much it hurts on a scale of 1 - 10. Let God work on taking your pain away and see how much better you feel in the morning.
Once I got the prescription for my pain and was instructed on how to use the medication I felt better. I even felt alive. My husband noticed a change in me. He remarked, "now that you are feeling better you think you can take on the world." Being in pain made me grouchy and angry. Being out of pain made me feel more productive and alive. You will experience pain but make sure you get the right medication to treat it. You will be glad you did.
Until next time,
Tasha
I like the fact that doctors ask you to rate your pain. Not all pain is treated equally. They need to know your pain threshold so they can prescribe (if necessary) pain medicine or encourage you to up the amount of medicine you are taking over-the-counter.
This week I was trying to manage my pain with the wrong stuff. I was going back and forth between acetaminophen and ibuprofen. I came up with my own regimen and it just wasn't working. The strength wasn't strong enough and could not knock out my pain. My ordeal brought me to a spiritual place and I began to reflect on Jesus' encounter with his disciples:
28And when he was come into the house, his disciples asked him privately, Why could not we cast him out?
29And he said unto them, This kind can come forth by nothing, but by prayer and fasting. (Mark 9:28,29 KJV).
Once I got the prescription for my pain and was instructed on how to use the medication I felt better. I even felt alive. My husband noticed a change in me. He remarked, "now that you are feeling better you think you can take on the world." Being in pain made me grouchy and angry. Being out of pain made me feel more productive and alive. You will experience pain but make sure you get the right medication to treat it. You will be glad you did.
Until next time,
Tasha
No Comparison (It Causes Suffering)
So since Tuesday I had been really feeling uncomfortable, irritable, mad, angry, and sad all at the same time. The discomfort of being stretched coupled with my learning that my sister (who has a smaller frame than I, mind you) told me that the amount of saline I got on Tuesday for my expansion was the sum of what she got after four sessions, caused me to really be in a space. All I kept thinking was that what I got in one sitting was what she got over a period of four weeks. She and I comparing notes caused me to be in a space. Me comparing my situation with hers, caused me to be in a space. I was fine with the discomfort alone but when I compared what she had with what I had, I moved in and settled down in, a space.
Now anyone who knows me and my sister knows that I am several inches taller and pounds heavier than she is. I practically have a six foot frame while she is 5'6 or less. So stating the obvious; there is no comparison. My doctor, being mindful of who I am and what I am capable of handling, stretched me according to my body type. Her doctor stretched her according to her body type. Her doctor did not give her more than she could handle nor did my doctor give me more than I could handle.
Isn't that like us, though, to compare ourselves to one another? I already had the pain of being stretched but I added to it the suffering of wanting what my sister had. Pain is one thing. Suffering is another. Many believe that although pain may be inevitable, suffering is avoidable. Suffering is what we create in response to pain. Instead of acknowledging the pain and finding ways to manage it, we create suffering. Instead of responding to the pain and looking for its source or looking for its remedy, we settle in it and create our own brand of suffering. No one created the conditions for us. We did it on our own. No one told me to get angry when my sister shared the information. I got angry on my own. No one told me I should be upset that I got more saline than her. I did that on my own. No one planted the thought of me lashing out at the doctors and questioning their ethics and practice. I planted that thought on my own. No one told me to plan to miss my next appointment. I came up with that plan all on my own. My pain wasn't properly managed. I made a decision to suffer and as a result, I opened my mind to destructive intentions that will not help me (or anyone else for that matter) in the long run. I made plans and chose to suffer in my pain when I didn't have to. No one twisted my arm. I birthed that baby all by myself all because I decided to compare my sister's experience, to mine.
Well I am not suffering in my pain now because I made a choice not to. I let my sister know that her experience is not like mine and that each of us are under the watchful eye of very capable doctors. Just like my physical doctor knows how much strecthcing and pressure I can handle, so does my heavenly doctor. The Lord knows what I am able to handle so I am comforted in not comparing myself and my experience to my sister's. We are both from the same family. We are going through similar experiences but that is where the comparison stops. The Bible speaks to comparing ourselves with one another so as I prepare to write my next entry, Pain Management, I want to leave you with this scripture:
We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves...When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 2 Corinthians 10:12 NIV
Learn from me and my sister and don't compare yourself to others. Doing so will only cause unnecessary suffering. Spiritually when we compare ourselves to others we inevitably turn some of our anger towards our doctor (God). We tend to think that God gave us a raw deal but that is not the case. God knows our bodies and our frames. God knows what we can handle and will stretch us accordingly. Trust that your doctor cares for you and wants the best for you and stop looking at others. Don't be unwise and foolish like me. Trust God.
Until next time,
Tasha
P.S. Read Pain Management. I think it will bless you.
Now anyone who knows me and my sister knows that I am several inches taller and pounds heavier than she is. I practically have a six foot frame while she is 5'6 or less. So stating the obvious; there is no comparison. My doctor, being mindful of who I am and what I am capable of handling, stretched me according to my body type. Her doctor stretched her according to her body type. Her doctor did not give her more than she could handle nor did my doctor give me more than I could handle.
Isn't that like us, though, to compare ourselves to one another? I already had the pain of being stretched but I added to it the suffering of wanting what my sister had. Pain is one thing. Suffering is another. Many believe that although pain may be inevitable, suffering is avoidable. Suffering is what we create in response to pain. Instead of acknowledging the pain and finding ways to manage it, we create suffering. Instead of responding to the pain and looking for its source or looking for its remedy, we settle in it and create our own brand of suffering. No one created the conditions for us. We did it on our own. No one told me to get angry when my sister shared the information. I got angry on my own. No one told me I should be upset that I got more saline than her. I did that on my own. No one planted the thought of me lashing out at the doctors and questioning their ethics and practice. I planted that thought on my own. No one told me to plan to miss my next appointment. I came up with that plan all on my own. My pain wasn't properly managed. I made a decision to suffer and as a result, I opened my mind to destructive intentions that will not help me (or anyone else for that matter) in the long run. I made plans and chose to suffer in my pain when I didn't have to. No one twisted my arm. I birthed that baby all by myself all because I decided to compare my sister's experience, to mine.
Well I am not suffering in my pain now because I made a choice not to. I let my sister know that her experience is not like mine and that each of us are under the watchful eye of very capable doctors. Just like my physical doctor knows how much strecthcing and pressure I can handle, so does my heavenly doctor. The Lord knows what I am able to handle so I am comforted in not comparing myself and my experience to my sister's. We are both from the same family. We are going through similar experiences but that is where the comparison stops. The Bible speaks to comparing ourselves with one another so as I prepare to write my next entry, Pain Management, I want to leave you with this scripture:
We do not dare to classify or compare ourselves...When they measure themselves by themselves and compare themselves with themselves, they are not wise. 2 Corinthians 10:12 NIV
Learn from me and my sister and don't compare yourself to others. Doing so will only cause unnecessary suffering. Spiritually when we compare ourselves to others we inevitably turn some of our anger towards our doctor (God). We tend to think that God gave us a raw deal but that is not the case. God knows our bodies and our frames. God knows what we can handle and will stretch us accordingly. Trust that your doctor cares for you and wants the best for you and stop looking at others. Don't be unwise and foolish like me. Trust God.
Until next time,
Tasha
P.S. Read Pain Management. I think it will bless you.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Breast Reconstruction
This whole experience is more than I could have ever imagined. I am in the process of undergoing breast reconstruction and I have to tell you, it is more than a notion (thanks Denise.) The pain of reconstruction is exceptional. It is physically and psychologically painful. Physically my skin is stretched until it reaches a breast size I am comfortable with. Psychologically my mind wants to rush this healing process along and does not like having to wait. My body will heal when it wants to heal in the time it wants to heal. Meanwhile my mind is saying, "hurry up already!"
This expansion process is bringing about some wonderful life lessons, though. As I sat at the doctor's office earlier today I was faced with a decision. It was a split second decision but I thought just for a moment that I did not want my doctor to begin expanding me. The expansion process hurts. They are literally inflating a balloon under my skin to make my skin expand and it is uncomfortable. I am wondering why I am allowing myself to go through this pain and affliction and now I am mad at myself. I am not thinking of my husband and his desire to see me with a little something, something. All I am thinking about is the immediate in-my-face pain that I feel at the moment. I am not looking down the road to the end. I just want to be relieved of my discomfort now! I don't care that my doctor said this process would take months and that the results would be beautiful. I just want it all over and I want it over, now.
Isn't it just like God to show me that the whole process of reconstruction (rebuilding/making-over) involves some stretching and pain? Interestingly enough as I struggle with the physical pain of the stretching and pressure, I am also dealing with some relationship reconstruction. I am in the process of making-over, rebuilding, and reconstructing some damaged relationships. God is showing me spiritually and naturally what it means to be reconstructed. He is teaching me that the process may not be easy. It may even hurt a bit but it is necessary in order to achieve the desired results. I want to encourage you to get your breasts reconstructed. You may have had relationships that were once toxic (cancerous) removed but now, as you look to reconstruct your breasts (those things that you hold near) consider the fact that there may be a little pain, stretching, and discomfort but it will only last for a while and is necessary in order to get to the desired result. We don't like pain but thank God it doesn't last always.
I need to go to bed.
Until next time,
Tasha
This expansion process is bringing about some wonderful life lessons, though. As I sat at the doctor's office earlier today I was faced with a decision. It was a split second decision but I thought just for a moment that I did not want my doctor to begin expanding me. The expansion process hurts. They are literally inflating a balloon under my skin to make my skin expand and it is uncomfortable. I am wondering why I am allowing myself to go through this pain and affliction and now I am mad at myself. I am not thinking of my husband and his desire to see me with a little something, something. All I am thinking about is the immediate in-my-face pain that I feel at the moment. I am not looking down the road to the end. I just want to be relieved of my discomfort now! I don't care that my doctor said this process would take months and that the results would be beautiful. I just want it all over and I want it over, now.
Isn't it just like God to show me that the whole process of reconstruction (rebuilding/making-over) involves some stretching and pain? Interestingly enough as I struggle with the physical pain of the stretching and pressure, I am also dealing with some relationship reconstruction. I am in the process of making-over, rebuilding, and reconstructing some damaged relationships. God is showing me spiritually and naturally what it means to be reconstructed. He is teaching me that the process may not be easy. It may even hurt a bit but it is necessary in order to achieve the desired results. I want to encourage you to get your breasts reconstructed. You may have had relationships that were once toxic (cancerous) removed but now, as you look to reconstruct your breasts (those things that you hold near) consider the fact that there may be a little pain, stretching, and discomfort but it will only last for a while and is necessary in order to get to the desired result. We don't like pain but thank God it doesn't last always.
I need to go to bed.
Until next time,
Tasha
Monday, November 1, 2010
Just Having A Moment
Today brought about a whole host of emotions I did not expect to meet my acquaintance. Today is the first day I really cried about what I was/am going through.
I had my surgery on the 18th of October and things went well. I had a two day hospital stay. The first time I saw my scars was when the doctors entered my room to check out "their work." I noticed the scars. They did not look as bad as I had expected. I guess what was most shocking to me was that the plastic surgeon put a little volume in the tissue expanders she inserted into my chest so I did not look as flat as I had expected. I had two little bumps. The pain, however, was another story. I became well acquainted with my morphine drip.
I cannot recount what life was like day-by-day following surgery but overall I can say I had visitors, phone calls, cards, and flowers. People really showed me how much they were praying for my recovery. My mother-in-law stayed with me 10 days and things were well. I was so distracted by everyone that I did not have time for me. I worked to make everyone feel comfortable with me, my surgery, my incisions, my new look, so-to-speak, that I didn't give myself space to deal with the transition. I ran from those feelings long enough and today my emotions said, "you can stuff me as long as you want to but I am coming out today!" Hence, my tears for the better half of the day. I cried something awful. I mean full blown deep guttural cries. I cried because of the scars. I cried because of the pain and discomfort. I cried because my body as I knew it was no more. I cried because even my six year old son noticed the difference. I cried. I cried. I cried. Today I cried. I am ok now. I am well enough to use writing as my therapy. My crying has nothing to do with me not believing in God. I cried to cleanse my soul. I feel better now.
I am thinking that it is ok just to have a moment. Just as long as the moment doesn't stay longer than it should.
Until next time.
I had my surgery on the 18th of October and things went well. I had a two day hospital stay. The first time I saw my scars was when the doctors entered my room to check out "their work." I noticed the scars. They did not look as bad as I had expected. I guess what was most shocking to me was that the plastic surgeon put a little volume in the tissue expanders she inserted into my chest so I did not look as flat as I had expected. I had two little bumps. The pain, however, was another story. I became well acquainted with my morphine drip.
I cannot recount what life was like day-by-day following surgery but overall I can say I had visitors, phone calls, cards, and flowers. People really showed me how much they were praying for my recovery. My mother-in-law stayed with me 10 days and things were well. I was so distracted by everyone that I did not have time for me. I worked to make everyone feel comfortable with me, my surgery, my incisions, my new look, so-to-speak, that I didn't give myself space to deal with the transition. I ran from those feelings long enough and today my emotions said, "you can stuff me as long as you want to but I am coming out today!" Hence, my tears for the better half of the day. I cried something awful. I mean full blown deep guttural cries. I cried because of the scars. I cried because of the pain and discomfort. I cried because my body as I knew it was no more. I cried because even my six year old son noticed the difference. I cried. I cried. I cried. Today I cried. I am ok now. I am well enough to use writing as my therapy. My crying has nothing to do with me not believing in God. I cried to cleanse my soul. I feel better now.
I am thinking that it is ok just to have a moment. Just as long as the moment doesn't stay longer than it should.
Until next time.
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