Behavioral Detox

So this healing process has been a difficult one for me.  It is not difficult because of the pain alone but it is the waiting, the restriction of certain activities, the constant ups and downs of pain and discomfort, the uncertain and unpredictable days, and my inability to control any of it.  The only thing I have control over is my response to the everyday challenges.  I cannot change the challenges but I can change how I respond to them.

I still have one JP drain left in my body.  I went from four down to one but having the drain has been a drag for me.  The actual location where it is inserted in my body, aches.  It is inserted in a small incision on my side.  The incision wants to heal but the constant movement and tugging of the drain prevents it from doing so.  There are times when the incision has partially healed but then the drain reopens the wound.  That is painful.  Who knew a small incision would be so painful?  As a result of the drain, I try not to do too much activitiy.  I went to the dentist last week and got the cord of my drain caught on the dentist's chair.  That was scary and a little uncomfortable so I said, "ok, stop trying to do it all and just be."  But that is so hard for me.  I was sharing with a friend earlier this week that on a pole where "being" is on one side and "doing" is on the other, I tend to hang out on the "doing" side.  I HAVE to be doing something.  It is hard for me to just be.  Just being is like a death sentence for me as I have a type-A personality.  Just "being" for me means that I am not physically or consciously involved in an activity.  Just "being" makes me feel like I am unproductive.  Just "being" is not what I would chose for myself but interestingly enough I feel a call to change my behavior.  I feel like I am going through a behavioral detoxification.

Detox is simply riding oneself of poison or the effect of poison.  I think parts of my behavior is very poisonous (impatient, anxious, the need to be in control, etc.)  I really feel that God is using this time for me to rid myself of cancerous and posoinous behaviors.  My behavior needs to be detoxified.

In the same conversation I had with that friend I shared with her the fruit of my learning from my last class in my Doctor of Ministry (D.Min) program (Graduation is 5/14/2011.  I am too excited.)  Our professor was talking about polarities and how we often move from one end of the pole to the other, i.e., from doing to being, from task-oriented to people oriented, etc.  Without going too deep and getting too heavy what was important to understand was that instead of always running from one end of the pole to the other, it is important to be more meditative and reflective.  It is more important to ask God where we should be instead of trying to figure it out ourselves.  I found myself locked into the "doing" mode when there were times God was calling me to "be."  I hear God calling me to be.  I am literally at a point where I HAVE to be.  I have to be still, be setteled, be aware, be silent, be calm, be thankful, be healed!  So in this  season of healing I am going to practice "being."  Yes I said practice because my nature is to "do" and now I have practice not responding like I used to respond.  My behavior is being detoxified.  It doesn't feel good but it is necessary.  If I am to survive, I have to adjust.  If I don't adjust then my trial will get the best of me.  So now that I have had an opportunity to be productive and write this blog, I am going to be for my children the mommy they need me to be.  I am going to hang with them and just be.

Until next time,

Tasha