Just Having A Moment

Today brought about a whole host of emotions I did not expect to meet my acquaintance.  Today is the first day I really cried about what I was/am going through. 

I had my surgery on the 18th of October and things went well.  I had a two day hospital stay.  The first time I saw my scars was when the doctors entered my room to check out "their work."  I noticed the scars.  They did not look as bad as I had expected.  I guess what was most shocking to me was that the plastic surgeon  put a little volume in the tissue expanders she inserted into my chest so I did not look as flat as I had expected.  I had two little bumps.  The pain, however, was another story.  I became well acquainted with my morphine drip. 

I cannot recount what life was like day-by-day following surgery but overall I can say I had visitors, phone calls, cards, and flowers.  People really showed me how much they were praying for my recovery.  My mother-in-law stayed with me 10 days and things were well.  I was so distracted by everyone that I did not have time for me.  I worked to make everyone feel comfortable with me, my surgery, my incisions, my new look, so-to-speak, that I didn't give myself space to deal with the transition.  I ran from those feelings long enough and today my emotions said, "you can stuff me as long as you want to but I am coming out today!"  Hence, my tears for the better half of the day.  I cried something awful.  I mean full blown deep guttural cries.  I cried because of the scars.  I cried because of the pain and discomfort.  I cried because my body as I knew it was no more.  I cried because even my six year old son noticed the difference.  I cried.  I cried.  I cried.  Today I cried.  I am ok now.  I am well enough to use writing as my therapy.  My crying has nothing to do with me not believing in God.  I cried to cleanse my soul.  I feel better now.

I am thinking that it is ok just to have a moment.  Just as long as the moment doesn't stay longer than it should. 

Until next time.